o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
