i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
