Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
