my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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