when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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