bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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