Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
