I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Boobs speak an international language.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
