pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm too high and old for this...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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