whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I party with great urgency now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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