hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
