so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
