I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
