i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got inside last night via doggy door
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.