her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
did you just send me my own nude
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.