...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.