last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.