i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table