I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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