I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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