remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
