i love accidental penises.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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