So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
