my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
