I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
