I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
