my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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