The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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