Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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