I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
