This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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