we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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