There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen