and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
