all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.