yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM