She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
