I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
