A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Farmville is her only friend.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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