you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
