DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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