If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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