I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
They have beer where we have blood.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
