I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
