Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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