Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
