see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
