haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped