I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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