Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
