If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
