3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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