I will die if light touches me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
