I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
