If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
