she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.