I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny