Just fell off a train. Bad.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
