How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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