You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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