Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
