dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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