I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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