I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?