I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
