I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.