She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
