Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
