He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
