Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
